Guilt, shame, lack of self-worth and doubts about one’s self-image are common threats of the human psyche. These emotional patterns are present within our own mind, but become more pronounced in challenging interactions with other people. And yet the human psyche revolves around desperate efforts to preserve its positive opinion of itself. For instance, when one is criticized, the defense mechanism immediately kicks in to defend one’s self-image. This can manifest as aggression towards the perceived aggressor, or as self-justification to maintain a positive self-image. Alternatively, this defense may fail, causing aggression to turn inward as guilt and self-criticism – a common tendency for people with low self-esteem. Rarely can one view the ‘negative’ opinions of others in an objective manner, because we get threatened emotionally. Just as our sympathetic nervous system activates the fight or flight response when we are threatened physically, we react similarly when we feel psychologically attacked.
The most important question is: why do we feel compelled to defend our self-image? One obvious reason is practical: lacking acceptance, respect or care significantly reduces our chance of surviving within a social organism, both physically and emotionally. So the desperate need to defend our self-image is driven by fear of rejection and becoming alone in the world. Being unsupported by others threatens our physical survival. In an extreme situation, when people hate you, they might just kill you. It is also common that others will express their negative opinion of us because they fear being disliked and having their own self-image challenged. So there is a strategic dishonesty present in human relationships.
However, our attachment to self-image goes beyond practical reasons. The way it has developed in the collective mind has gotten twisted and perverted. Self-image has become a fortress built on unworthiness and lack of self-love. In fact, for human beings self-image is the substitute for their own self, as they have no other self. Much of this originates from the superego’s formation in our youth, a process where we introject social values and morality in order to define an acceptable self-image. It starts with the fear of punishment for failing to meet our parents’ and society’s expectations, while simultaneously seeking rewards by fulfilling them. We are expected to fulfil certain social and moral ideals in order to be accepted. However, because of the many inherent contradictions in this imperfect reality, we can never fully fit those ideals and unconsciously we expect punishment. All of this has become the foundation of the world’s religions, giving rise to their concepts of good and evil, heaven and hell, and salvation and damnation.
Superego represents the internalization in our psyche of all the norms created by parents, society and religion. Ego is the part of us that attempts to respond as best as it can to the judgments of the superego. It tries to respond objectively, but is easily overwhelmed by the superego. Ego has free will, but it is being hindered by our basic impulses and desires (id) and the control of the superego. Ego is the part of our psyche that is real, and it is the one who is emotionally and mentally suffering as it copes with our human reality. Superego is not self, but a psychological framework of the mind that is required for us to function in the human world; it is an internalized collective mind that has become infused with our individual psyche.
This is not to say that superego is merely a mistake or some kind of curse. It is needed for our human development, and it is essential for being able to live in society. A child needs to be educated in order to discern positive and negative actions and their consequences. Children do not have morality and can be very selfish and cruel. Why? Because they are closer to id, and id causes us to serve our basic desires and drives above all. Children need to learn compassion and empathy and develop conscience. Incidentally, id is the part of us that is not civilized, which we tend to repress with the superego. These basic instincts are part of our everyday life. For example, when people unconsciously express anger or other intense emotions, it feels cathartic, because in those moments we become emotionally free from the superego.
We tend to admire people who are not so repressed emotionally and can cry and scream at ease. This is because, while they temporarily release the superego’s control, their ego does not become rational. But what does “rational” mean? For most people “rational” signifies the behavior of ego that is in accord with the principles of the superego. But this is not rational. Rational behavior is when the ego can choose the right course of action based on its own discrimination.
People who express aggression towards others and thus ignore the social code are controlled by id rather than superego. The spontaneity of their actions can be attractive from the standpoint of someone who is subdued by superego, but they are still slaves of their tendencies. Many of you are familiar with Osho’s ideas about catharsis. It is doubtlessly good for people to express their anger and frustration, to scream and hit things in order to release their suppressed emotions – they have been slaves of superego for far too long. But after that short release, the suppression comes back and nothing has really changed. In the end, we must ask ourselves why we cannot be natural and emotionally honest in our relationship with the world, where our expression is no longer suppressed, while remaining in the bounds of the rational.
Humans dwell in self-image most of the time. Even when alone, people constantly mentally recreate self-image, as their mind is but an internalized interaction with society. Most people want to feel good about themselves, which means that they strive to preserve a positive self-image. Some want a “great” self-image, being admired or famous – these people are more egotistical. Others have a more moderate need to be good enough or humble. Simple people have a simpler self-image that functions on a more basic level of everyday life. More complicated people tend to have a more complex self-image, often filled with contractions and internal conflicts. Some people’s superego leans towards avoiding punishment, while seeking basic rewards. Others’ superego is more idealistic, centered around higher ideals of behavior they aspire to manifest in order to feel good about themselves, such as a ‘holy’ man, saint, or devout religious follower.
Everybody has doubts about being good enough. The inner voice judges them, or questions their self-image. Many people simply feel bad about themselves and fail to maintain a positive self-image. This constant internal battle between the positive and negative self-image causes enormous psychological stress, leading to mental, emotional, and physical illness. When we address the issue of healing, we must remember that much of what makes us emotionally sick is in our self-image. People spend a lot of time trying to convince themselves that they are good, decent, sincere and caring. These ideals differ from one culture to another, but the universal imperative is to be good enough. People constantly talk to themselves, trying to convince themselves that they are worthy – ego is trying to establish a sense of worthiness. Yet no sooner is this conviction achieved than the super-ego floods the psyche with doubts, immediately undermining how the ego feels about itself.
Therapy commonly aims to help people regain a positive self-image, or a positive relationship with oneself. This usually involves uncovering the emotional roots of self-negativity in childhood experiences of being unloved, unaccepted, not empowered, rejected, abandoned, or violated physically. But no one has asked the deeper question: Why has the human mechanism for creating self-image so corrupted, unhealthy and destructive? Struggling to recreate and maintain a positive self-image is neither an answer nor a solution to this disturbing issue – it is merely an avoidance of the problem. Yes, Freud spoke about empowering the ego in its relationship with the superego to support our sanity, but he understood ego only functionally, not as self. Unfortunately, psychology was created by people who are spiritually unconscious. Freud was a genius, no doubt. He was criticized for interpreting people’s psychological issues through sexuality – a point made even by his close pupil, Carl Jung. Yet Freud was right: those egotistical psychologists who dare to criticize him cannot even hold a candle to his insights. The truth is, people are controlled by their genitals, a fact rooted in the immediate link between sexual compulsions and our instinct for survival.
We have frequently emphasized the importance of becoming independent from self-image and finding true worthiness in embodying our pure self. However, this information alone is insufficient to catalyze real change. You can understand it completely, and still repeat the same patterns, over and over. Something more is needed: a deeper insight and understanding to penetrate this mechanism with rational intelligence. Being humans, we are not meant to fully dissolve our psychological self and exist only in the emptiness of no-mind. While the advice to avoid dwelling on or being attached to self-image is true, the failure to transcend this addiction to self-image stems from a mechanism so deeply rooted in the unconscious mind that we appear to have no control over it.
We have often discussed how spiritual progress can be hindered by being stuck in personality. This is the same problem, as self-image is the core of personality. As long as you are addicted to your self-image, you are bound to live as your personality. Why do we never fully feel good enough? What is fundamentally wrong with humans? And why is this need to be “good enough” so desperate? These are the core questions. Without answering them, we can never truly heal, not just emotionally, but the human condition.
The vast majority of the psychological issues that we want to heal stem from guilt and the fundamental lack of worthiness rooted in the ego. The tyranny of religions began by exploiting human guilt. But why do people live in guilt? Because they keep judging themselves as not being good enough to meet their own expectations, which have been imposed on them by others.
To grasp the extent to which your self-image (or superego, to be exact) tyrannizes you, you must identify the “others” in yourself. Society is full of guilt, but the only way it can be felt and expressed is through each of us. The way people deal with guilt is by repressing it or engaging in various distractions. What is the source of this guilt? People can always find a reason to be guilty – after all, nobody is ‘perfect’ – but above all, they feel guilty for not being good in general. Remember, the superego is in the unconscious and it reaches the threshold of self-image through the subconscious mind. It is like a machine that is both constantly working and totally unconscious. You may try to love yourself, but you cannot because you don’t believe you deserve love: how can you, if you already feel you are not good enough? This is the perversion referred to above. Our goal is not to ‘heal’ or entirely renounce self-image, but to fundamentally transform the intelligence at its core.
The first step requires becoming conscious of how your self-image is created and how superego imposes it on your ego. Because self-image is largely subconscious, you must be highly mindful to notice its creation. The next step is to become immediately conscious of the emotions attached to your self-image. What we usually do is surrender to the emotions in the body, which is crucial. However, here the subject is different from healing or merging with emotions.
In humans, ego and superego are distinct aspects of the psyche. Ego is closer to awareness and the superego is not aware at all. What happens is that self-image arises so fast that we notice it only with a delay, and most people are not conscious of it at all. Once it arises, it is too late and we are trapped in self-image. Of course, firstly we need to remain conscious of our ego (primary me) at all times. Ego is self, but superego is a mental interpretation with which ego identifies. Such interpretation is not inherently negative, but it is not meant to possess our ego, which is meant to remain pure. Primary me has several functions, and one of them is the ‘ego’, a center of our psychological existence. Pure ego is essentially independent from superego – it can relate to superego consciously, but without being defined by it. In other words, it can create self-image, but self-image does not trap it in image.
When Sartre wrote that “hell is other people”, he meant that we are inherently objectified by people because they exist outside of us. Similarly, in religions, God is objectifying us, judging whether we will go to heaven or hell based on our deeds. As we are afraid of God, so we are afraid of others, even though they have much less power. God, in fact, represents the absolute other; being so far beyond us, all we can hope for is mercy.
Since childhood, we have developed different strategies to be liked and accepted by others, driven by the need to avoid being seen as “bad.” The opinions of people become so crucial that we end up defining ourselves through them. Because we are never fully certain what they think, we often make assumptions, creating projections, fearing the worst, and hoping for the best. As we internalize these projections, we create our own opinions about ourselves. This creates a split between Me and my opinion about Me – the ‘other’ now lives inside Me. This internal ‘other’ is rarely kind: it is often critical, unloving, unforgiving, to the point of driving self-destructiveness. Thus “hell” is actually the ‘other-in-me.’ It is not my friend or the beloved part of me, and is mostly against me. The ‘other’ is truly just internalized others.
If we examine psychological therapies, their goal is to make the ‘other-in-me’ nicer, more loving, and more accepting of me. But how can they? If “hell is others,” then the ‘other-in-me’ is also hell – it is outside of me, objectifying me. Is there an escape from this hell? One way is to minimize this objectification through developing deeper emotional connections and intimacy. This allows us to relax and feel more comfortable in the company of others and forgo the need to create self-image. Yet this is only a temporary reprieve, because due to the lack of intimate connection with most people, they all remain strangers.
Finding a real solution requires a deep change in us. Ego has to be integrated with the superego to such an extent that it is no longer objectifying Me. When you simply shun the creation of self-image, you only temporarily suppress the expression of the superego. For someone whose consciousness is awakened, it is natural for the creation of self-image to happen only intermittently or rarely. However, the goal is not to suppress it permanently, because the ability for creating self-image has some importance in being human and is critical for having psychological self-awareness. The aim is to transform the superego in such a way that it is no longer the ‘other-in-me,’ but rather a loving extension of Me that is also experienced as Me.
In psychotherapy, when one aims for superego to be more loving to ego, the aim should be reversed – ego should be loving to superego. This is the only way to transform the ‘other-in-me’ into Me. It is true that we are continuously being objectified by others, but it is also true that we are objectifying others, and by default this extends to our relationship with superego. We are so internally divided that not only does the superego objectify us, but we, in turn, objectify the superego, such as the voice talking to us in our head. It is essentially a relationship between two people inside us. How can an ego love superego? It is not a kind of mental-emotional gymnastics in our already complicated psyche. The goal is to experience superego as pure subjectivity, feeling it as Me, by creating a positive, conscious and wholesome relationship with the aspect of our subconscious mind that creates self-image. This part is completely unconscious and dissociated, not only in most people but also in those who are advanced on the spiritual path. It is a profound human problem, and the solution is provided here.
Human beings require an acceptable self-image for psychological balance and sanity. Because the superego is inherently threatening, the ego often responds with fear. It either fights the superego, defends itself by reasoning with it, or tries to ignore it. This struggle is a political coping strategy with little control, creating a split in our psyche that must be resolved. You must stop fighting what undermines your sense of worthiness, acceptance and self-love. Being good to yourself is not about defending your self-image; it is about being positive toward the part of yourself that interprets your psychological existence. The moment you judge yourself, feel unworthy, or punish yourself, feel deeply that ‘other-in-me’ that is doing it and love it. This is the magic through which you can become not only free from guilt but also whole and integrated – to become Me without ‘other-in-me’, without the stranger in Me.
Although superego is an internalization of social values and opinions stored in our long term memory, it is continually being reinforced and relearned through our dynamic relationship with others. Consequently, transforming our internal relationship with the superego will change our relationship with how we relate to the opinions and judgments of others.
To give a practical example: if someone criticizes you, refuse to feel immediately threatened and go into defense. Instead, lovingly feel what they are saying as an extension of Me into the collective. You must reject the automatic-reactive interpretation of the other person as the ‘other’ – a potential external threat objectifying you. Rather, relate to them as a wider dimension of Me relating to you. It is important to remember that even if the other person is arrogant and narrow-minded, what matters is not what they say, but how it affects you and how it triggers you emotionally. If you fight back to protect your self-image, curl inside yourself and withdraw, or shut down, you have been trapped again. The way you are affected by the opinions of others always goes through your own superego. Even if the superego is activated externally, the processing is nearly instantaneous. Therefore, by lovingly relating to that internal processing, interpretation-translation, you prevent the creation of the ‘other-in-me’ and remain free from fear.
It has to be strongly emphasized that all that understanding will not help you unless you put it into practice. The essence of this practice is heightened mindfulness to all subtle thoughts and emotions that trigger the creation of self-image – you must be extremely conscious. This is the only way to become free from becoming repeatedly trapped in your personality.
Self-image is how ego defines itself through the mind. But the information that unconsciously comes from the mind is the voice of the superego, which is collective. This voice pressures the ego to confront whether it is good enough, based on the relative, acquired knowledge of good and bad from the collective mind. But the superego is distinct from self-image, which is created by the ego. The ego seeks to define itself psychologically by creating a self-image that conforms to socially and morally accepted values. This self-image is created the moment the ego identifies with the superego.
We should recognize that the superego doesn’t torture the ego; the ego tortures itself using the information that superego provides. The ego has an intrinsic need for positive self-regard, yet it constantly doubts itself, feeding internal guilt. It can momentarily create a positive self-image, only to immediately recall all the reasons to doubt it. This is a vicious cycle of seeking self-affirmation that requires immense effort to maintain.
The tendency to dwell in a negative self-image is impossible to heal because the root is not individual, but collective. How can you heal the collective mind within your individual mind? The only effective change is to transform your relationship with the collective mind in yourself by not allowing your ego to be defined by it. While not ignoring the superego, the ego must learn to use its intelligence to objectively understand itself. Above all, we must prevent the superego’s influence from becoming a destructive source of constant stress. Instead of the collective mind controlling the ego, it must be individualized and assimilated into our human psyche. We need to take responsibility for our relationship with the collective within us.
The superego, though collective, is uniquely experienced by each person based on their culture, country, and social background. Furthermore, the way it is absorbed in each person is affected by the feedback we provide from our personal intelligence. An important element of our individuation is taking responsibility for our thoughts and emotions, which primarily involves how we respond to the superego.
Our tendencies toward self-doubt, lack of confidence and fearfulness in connection to others have developed through our life experiences, many rooted in early childhood. Trying to fit into society and not feeling loved, we become survivors in a world that has never felt like our real home. This is why we continually doubt ourselves, cannot accept ourselves, or feel guilty about who we are, making self-love impossible. Consequently, we assume we need treatment to become psychologically healthy. But what must truly heal? Our relationship with ourselves. However, this means nothing unless we deeply understand its true meaning.
For us to become integrated, our ego must achieve internal empowerment. This task goes beyond the scope of therapy – which focuses only on the psychological dimension – it requires spiritual awakening. However, we are not addressing the awakening of pure consciousness here, but something much more fundamental: the awakening of ego. For this to be possible, we must first become conscious of our identity as the primary me; otherwise we are nothing more than ghosts in the mind. Yet, this feeling of subjectivity in the primary me is not sufficient. Our ego – the sense of personal self within primary me – must awaken to itself as the precious light of me.